These days it’s pretty much impossible to pop down the shops without some illegal immigrant jumping out of the shadows and attempting to steal your Giro or some youth with their brain unit smacked up on clarky caps trying to touch up your region. All of which makes it understandable that more and more people are taking self-defense classes.
Wivenhoe’s Martial Arse Class offers the perfect combination of Jew-Jitsu, Kung Po Chicken (with special sauce), Karate (the after shave) and happy slapping to all ages and is an excellent way to keep fit (or so it says on their website).
And while there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with members of the public learning how to become killing machines and then serving their own special form of justice on pediatricians or anyone that looks at them all funny like, the class has recently come under scrutiny from worried residents.
First there was the incident where they set fire to the house opposite the Co-op, then there was that thing where they beat a cat senseless for peeing on their dojo (I think this might be a euphemism of some sort) and now they are systematically destroying Wivenhoe woods.
Master Me-Ar-gee, the muscle behind the mixed martial arse collective, told The Watcher: “People seem to think there’s something wrong with fist pounding, face flattening and teeth kicking, but it’s the most natural thing in the world. All we’re doing is getting some exercise in the great British outdoors. We mean people no harm, we’re lovers of peace not fighters of face. If the people of Wivenhoe have a problem with us bring it on, lets see what Mrs Not In My Back Yard has to say to my flying fists of fury.”
Wivenhoe Police have warned the fight club that if they don’t watch out they will issue them with a slightly sterner warning and might even have to go as far as giving them a good talking to and a bit of a finger waggling. Hopefully it won’t go as far as them being sent to their room to think about that actions.