“The first rule about Fight Club,” states 1980’s throwback Jeremy Clarkson “is we don’t talk about Fight Club… Ever. And if any of you little flecking gobshides try it I’ll smash your stupid faces in.”
So starts Clarkson’s introduction to the children of Milthields School that have come along to witness firsthand the pleasures of car park brawling.
“This here is a baseball bat with nails through the end of it,” the leather-jacketed broom-broom bastand continues, “It’s good for taking out Argies, Gypsies, Eastern Europeans and the Welsh and if mummy and daddy don’t have one at home that you can play with, I’d suggest you stick it on your Christmas list, along with the new Ford Focus which has 180 horse brake power, plenty of room in the glove compartment for knuckle dusters and a tape player.”
For these children, Clarkson provides a simple lesson to surviving the harsh existence on the mean streets of Wivenhoe, where it’s a case of smash someone’s face in first, think and ask questions later.
“What these little softies don’t realise is it’s a dog eat dog world out there and if they don’t wise up, before they know it they’ll be on a one-way ride to the scrap yard – like the much maligned Rover II Series. What I teach them here is the simple rules to surviving. Number one offend everyone – especially homosexuals, people of colour, people from abroad, people from this country, the poor, the rich and Lenny Bennet – and number two if people don’t like it, punch their lights out.”
Happily Clarkson’s school of bigoted brawling isn’t exclusively for children, as after dark the car park opens up to adults of all ages, though not women.
“Don’t get me wrong,” the moronic mauler explains “I’m not a sexist or nuffink. I like hitting women as much as the next man, I just can’t stand their constant moaning, that’s all.”
And now that the blue jeans/brown leather jacket combo king has a lot more time on his hands he intends to make Fight Club a permanent fixture in the station car park.
As he succinctly puts it: “In this day and age of lefty do gooders and political correcties like Nigel Farage someone’s got to fight the good fight and I guess I’m the guy to do it. And if I can do it while listening to REO Speedwagon and driving the new Fiat Coupé then it’s pretty much a perfect day. Come on, I’ll take you all on…”