Following the successful introduction of its new electrical goods aisle, The Watcher can exclusively reveal the Co-op’s new secret plans to sell more stuff that is utterly useless.
Having spent a messy Wednesday night plying store manager Alan Bloke with booze and tabs, I can reveal that new introductions include a fish tank aisle, deckchair recycling centre and pop corn stand. Meanwhile, shoppers will also be able to buy speedboats out the front or test drive mobility scooters in the car park.
District manager Pete Bog told The Watcher: “We’ve been slowly actioning a three-point plan of bewilderment and chaos over the last few months. The first thing we did was move everything around so no one could find anything they wanted. Then we brought in a white goods section selling washing machines and fridge freezers – cos you always want them when you pop down the shops – and finally we’re picking words at random from the dictionary and stocking them just for the sheer hell of it.”
So what can the casual Saturday morning shopper expect to find in their local ethical supermarket?
Pete reveals: “The buzzwords for 2015 are egg nog glasses, inflatable dogs, carrots, those Rubik’s snake things, gingerbread-flavoured condoms and mobile phones for guinea pigs. The good stuff will be on sale tomorrow and we’re expecting a big rush of excited shoppers. It’s going to be like those videos you saw of everyone fighting over TVs on Black Friday, but instead it’ll be for fork handles, selfie sticks and jelly moulds of the William Loveless Hall.”