In a startling move that’s almost certainly got something to do with the Government’s plan to take control of over-priced grocery sales in Wivenhoe – along with the start of the new series of Game of Thrones – Wivenhoe Co-op has released details of the salaries of its staff. And it makes for stunning reading.
Astonishingly, store manager Graham Chatshow is pulling in £450,000 a week while shelf stacker Gary Football earns an incredible £33,000 an hour. And while the rest of the country sees women earning far less than men, the good news is that Co-op is bucking the trend. Fag counter maiden Claudia Winklepicker has been revealed to be on £4.5 million a month, while Alex Welsh-One is understood to be on a £500,000 bonus for every time she asks “Have you got your dividends card?” in a mono-syllabic robot voice.
In a damning revelation of mis-spent profits, it’s also been revealed that the woman that sells the Big Issue out the front is actually being played by Dame Maggie Smith and is being paid in bundles of rolled up fifty pound notes, tubs of quinoa and out of date boxes of Frosties.
A spokesperson for the Co-op, told BBC One’s Watchdog: “Do you need a hand with your packing?” before adding: “Don’t forget your receipt”.