Like some sort of dystopian movie from 1984 featuring the cast of Big Brother, it’s been revealed that the bookish weirdos that use Wivenhoe library have fallen fowl to a data mining scam that’s set to make no difference to anyone ever.
A whistle-blower working in one of the library’s many information analysis centres has revealed that for years the book-lending building for people with too much time on their hands has been collecting a wealth of data about those naïve enough to use it including everything from names and address to possible contact details and – terrifyingly – data on the sort of books that they have read.
A clearly shaken, Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue this morning told BBC Look East: “For years I’ve been questioning why anyone would want to read a book when there’s probably a perfectly adequate film or TV version of the story available. When will people learn? No one – and I even include women that wear glasses when I say this – is fooled by this nonsense any more, books aren’t big or clever and they certainly don’t make you look sexy – that’s why smoking was invented.”
In a full-ranging investigation, the man behind the scam – Mark Puckerturd – will be asked a series of pointless questions by lots of angry grown-ups while a crowd of people take photos of him before they let him carry on with what he was doing anyway. Like you give a shit…