Russian hacking organisiation the Care Bears has caused its fair share of chaos over the last month after hacking a series of deeply secret information and then releasing their findings to the rest of the world. Last week alone it exclusively revealed that The A-Team is currently subsisting in the Jaywick underground as window cleaners of fortune, while also unveiling the secret identity of the town’s crime-fighting masked vigilante Crab Man – who’d have thought that Wivenhoe’s own playboy millionaire Wayne Bruce would be the sideways-walking, spandex-wearing destroyer of no-good barnacles?
But this morning, the dogs of Wivenhoe awoke to a series of potentially damaging revelations about their pooping habits as the Care Bears made damaging defecation data public knowledge – releasing documents that it’s calling The Shitting Forecast that explains in intimate detail the toilet habits, location and consistency of Wivenhoe’s dog community’s poo-poos, along with embarrassing details concerning whether or not their owner cleared it up, kicked it under a bush or left it, Seventies-style, for children to walk in.
Spokesperson for the town’s dog community, Al Satian (name has been changed to protect his identity), told the BBC’s Ronnie Barker: “Some of these revelations have put myself and my colleagues in a rather delicate position. We go to extreme lengths to protect the location of our arse bananas and the last thing I need is someone coming up to me and having a pop about where I choose to leave my deposits. Some of us are quite literally shaking like, er, a shitting dog about any recriminations about our chocolate spread”.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, has promised that no turd will be left unturned in her mission to root out those responsible for the damaging revelations: “Every dog has its day and every dog is entitled to leave its special delivery wherever it chooses and it’s unfair for people to complain. Having said that, I’m interested to find out which little shitbag left its big brown jobbies on my lawn and having a full and frank discussion about the importance of doing it over near the park where only children are likely to tread in it.”