Like Cornettos, hope and Filipino massages, all good things must come to an end, and later this year gritty Northern kitchen sink drama Downton Abbey will be following in the wake of similar shows like The Wire, The Sopranos and Rainbow by concluding after 47 happy years.
But unlike the stars of Top Gear, who have been sent to the slaughterhouse to be made into bitter-tasting racist sausages, The Watcher can exclusively reveal that the cast of Downton can look forward to a more idyllic lifestyle gamboling free like little lambs in Wivenhoe woods and the surrounding countryside.
Creator and all-round tough guy Julian Goodfellows told The Watcher: “It’s difficult to imagine the earl of Grantham, Lady Branson and Lady Crawley making do in sheltered accommodation in somewhere like Jaywick, so I’ve had a word with the guys in charge and we’ve set aside a lovely bit of countryside for them to eat grass, run around, rut and poop out in the open. It’ll be proper nice and I reckon they’ll be well happy sharing the woods with that funny looking mumbling homeless dude.”
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue is believed to have played a key part in the negotiations and told the one with the squinty ear off Countryfile: “We’ll be taking right good care of Charles Carson and all his little mates and I’ve arranged for the Essex Wildlife Trust to stick tags on them so that we can monitor their location at all times. Give it a couple of years and I reckon I’ll be able to sell off hunting passes for crazy money. But it’s probably best not to tell them ITV muppets that yet…”
The long-running TV series about maverick cops trying to stop drug runners in the Miami underground comes to an end later in the year and a Christmas special is also planned, but after that mum’s and grandmas everywhere will have to make do with watching Poldark, Eastenders or the snooker to get their fix of historical bodice bursting.