As anyone that knows anything about anything will tell you, before 1987 drugs were a work of fiction that only existed in books, movies or TV shows like Miami Vice. But then everything changed. Suddenly the streets of Great Britainshire were awash with smack, everyone from HRH Queenie Lizbeth Two to the man on the street was strung out on heroin and all the kids mixed their sweets with miaow miaow to make themselves proper blooty.
The war on drugs had begun and everyone was blissed out on triple sod, yellow bentines and clarky cat.
But not Wivenhoe. Sweet idyllic Wivenhoe remained an oasis of calm in amongst a sea of coke, dirty needles and cigarettes made from weeds or something. Or so we thought…
Taking a walk around our town, all of the warning signs of drug abusage are clear to see. Young people choose not to wear a shirt and tie any more, they no longer doff their hats at young ladies and bizarrely the fad of chasing metal hoops with sticks or enlisting in the army to give Jerry a bloody good thrashing has phased out. Instead they seem quite content to snort their mp3s, main-line wraps of snapchat or walk around with their arses hanging out of their trousers in a drug-induced frenzy.
Despite numerous calls to the police about Wivenhoe’s drug problem by concerned (and definitely not nosey or interfering) residents, there has been a series of raids at the nurseries, playgroups and schools, but so far all that’s been discovered is a mouldy orange, an out of date Penguin and about half a kilo of something the kids call ‘conkers’ – believed to have a street value of around 37 pence.
I an effort to discover just how deep the problem goes, The Watcher decided to dress up as a fake sheik to try to infiltrate a drug ring-a-ring-of-roses in Wivenhoe’s graveyard.
Happily, the group of youngsters that we came across were about as normal and functioning as we could hope – dispelling once and for all any fears of drug abuse in our town. Lance, aged 14, told us that all he wanted to do was ride his bike and that getting involved in drugs would spoil any chance of him being able to do it professionally. Young Walter told explained that he wanted to be a chemistry teacher when he grew up, while Mark Renton (aged 15) said that all he lived for was trainspotting. A delightful chap called Bob seemed to think that everything was going be alright and looking at this fine, upstanding group of individuals we’re inclined to agree. Panic over folks, Wivenhoe is definitely drug-free and long may it remain that way.