OK, so everyone remembers their Bible stories from school, but it’s still worth setting aside five minutes to think about the birth of Jesus Christ during this season of chocolate eggmas.
When Mary found herself up the duff on Pancake day nearly 75 years ago, little did she know that her one and only child would grow up to be Jesus H Christ, inventor of religion and the first true celebrity chef after that bread and fishes thing he did that time on Ready Steady Cook.
During his short but amazing life Jesus was like a mix between David Blane, Paul Daniels and a man with really long hair like a girl. He walked the earth like David Carradine did in that Kung Fu TV show, but instead of fighting and pretending to be Chinese he did magic and washed the feet of dirty poor people.
Unfortunately, the Romans didn’t like Jesus’ foot fetish thing and decided to put him on a cross just like that Monty Python Life of Brian film – I think that’s where they got the idea.
But here’s the magic bit. Even though they proper nailed him to the cross and made him wear a crown of fawns and everything, Jesus had the last laugh. Well that’s not strictly true. Initially he died.
But then after 40 days and 40 nights a chocolate egg appeared on a leaf by the light of the moon. Slowly, the chocolate started to crack and then Jesus poked his little head out into the Jerusalem sunshine. He was reborn!
He then set about on a mission of revenge with loads of guns, slowly killing everyone who’d ever crossed him, looked at him funny or called him a girl cos of his long hair. To be honest it all gets a bit hazy here and I might be confusing this with a movie I saw on Channel Five the other day with Chuck Norris in it, but you the get the idea.