On Thursday, democracy is revealed to be the total and utter arse it was always thought to be as the mentally insane, criminally pissed and unrealistically self-important people of Wivenhoe step into the voting booths to decide who it is that will control the council of the sprawling metropolis of Wivenhonia.
Believed to be one of the sweetest seats there is in the thrill-ride world of local politics, Wivenhoe’s 12 districts have been ruled since 1992 by celebrity despot Dame Dannii Minogue, whose reign is widely described as being like an iron fist clenched inside an iron glove that is slowly squeezing all the life out of a soft puppy using a crowbar made out of rocks and barbed wire.
Despite countless allegations of people smuggling, money laundering, money smuggling and laundry peopleing, Ms Minogue remains as popular with the people of Wivenhoe as she was when she first arrived on these shores back in the last millennium when everything was in black and white and most of this was fields.
However, political commentators are suggesting that Dame Dannii’s position is becoming untenable after recent scandals concerning hidden Nazi gold, caterpillars and that god forsaken road closure that people still can’t stop banging on about as if it’s the only thing in this messed up world that really matters.
Ms Minogue remains her usual gorgeous unflappable self and as she toured the streets of Wivenhoe this morning waving to her people and dishing out wads of cash from her Minogue-mobile she appeared to be totally unaffected by what could potentially be an uncomfortable night if emergency exit polls are to be ignored.
Talking to the BBC’s Take Hart, Dame Dannii told reporters: “I have no concerns about the results in tomorrow’s erection and I’m 100 percent confidant that the people of Wivenhoe will do the right thing. There’ll be dancing girls, pork scratchings and wheelbarrows full of gin at my place tomorrow at nine. I look forward to seeing you all there”.