The end of August means just one thing: it’s time for Sylvester Stallone’s gang of aging mercenaries to undertake their annual health check, and after having paid a visit to Wivenhoe’s Denture Store and Colostomy Bags-R-Us, they promptly dusted down their walking frames and slowly waddled along to Wivenhoe Eyecare.
Sexy Sly told The Watcher: “It’s been a difficult few months for us, Arnie has been suffering from glaucoma, Bruce needs new bifocals and for some reason David Bowie keeps following us around thinking we’re his spiders from Mars or sumfink.”
Early indications that the gang of ruthless mercenaries were losing their cutting edge occurred earlier in the year when Jet Li spent 15 minutes attempting to roundhouse a lamp post while Jean-Claude Van Damme started a knife fight with a stray dog.
As Sly explained: “I realised we might be in a spot of bother when I attempted to take on the state of Israel armed with just a hockey stick, Jason ‘The Stath’ Statham tried to blow up an arms shipment with what turned out to be a beach ball and Dolph keeps on bringing a pink dildo to all our get-togethers – although it turns out that there’s nothing wrong with his eyes and he now just wants to be regarded as a lover and not a fighter.”
The team took a break from dealing with dog owners that don’t pick up their poo, delivering hot meals to the elderly (who are ironically younger than them) and taking out underground terrorist cells operating in the woods to take advantage of the optician’s special two-for-one summer offer for action heroes and get themselves checked out.
Optician Lenworth Porkchop revealed: “It was great fun having all the guys come in. Arnold Schwarzenegger said: “I’ll need your boots, your clothes and your motorcycle… I’ll be back” before diving through a sheet glass window. Sly kept on calling out ‘Adrienne’ at the top of his voice and Dolph insisted on stroking my leg with something in the dark. They’re a great bunch of guys, especially Dolph…”
Sly, Bruce, Dolph, Ringo, The Stath and that guy from that thing will be patrolling the streets now that the nights are drawing in, and will also be carrying out night-time missions in the run up to Halloween to ensure that terrorists don’t threaten our way of life, or some such nonsense.
It’s probably best to carry heavy artillery with you whenever you leave your house after 9pm and hope that it’s David Bowie you bump into down that dark alley and not Dolph Lundgren.