In recent years, Wivenhoe Post Office has suffered as the residents of the North-East Essex city have ditched the services of the Royal Mail, instead opting to send their parcels to loved ones via drone, carrier pigeon or Twitters. But now, saviour of the Western World Sir Phillip Green has bought the small store in the hope of turning it into an internationally recognised brand like Happy Shopper, Isis or Ratners.
To underline just how serious he is, Green has put together a retail dream team to ensure that this project is a roaring success – just like BHS. And so archaeologist Kevin MCloud has been enlisted to help the builders by asking them questions about how over budget they are while wearing a protective helmet and generally getting in the way, while Mary Portas is on hand to highlight the importance of a well executed bob.
At this morning’s press call, Portas told CBBC reporter Andi Peters: “The post office has evolved from what it used to be and it’s no longer enough to have the aisles cluttered up with old folk collecting their pensions or whatever the hell it is they do in there all day. Nowadays people want a nail bar, expresso machines, tapas and men with big bushy beards and lots of tattoos. If we can get some of these guys coming in regularly, we will have achieved our brand goal.”
Meanwhile, gorgeous Phillip told reporters: “I’m determined to drag Wivenhoe kicking and screaming into the 20th century. With the help of Kevin and Mary, I’m convinced that we can raise this store’s profile, cream about £20 mill off the top before declaring bankruptcy and leaving the government to clean up the mess.”
God bless Sir Phillip, it’s good folk like him that put the great back into Great Britain and the con into the economy.