Having suffered the indignity of having to grow moustaches in November (Movember), quit the fags in October (Stoptober) and knock the booze on the head in July (Dry-ly), the squirrel population in Wivenhoe is now being forced to go on an emergency diet as its weight spirals out of control following a particularly gluttonous Christmas period.
The problem has come to light as overweight squirrels have been causing havoc falling through windows, knocking trees over, snapping branches and wobbling around the woods like fury Weebles jacked up on sherbet.
As Wivenhoe Environment Agency undercover officer Theresa Green explains: “Forget Squirrel Nutkins, Wivenhoe has become infested with Squirrel Gutkins. Our studies have revealed that instead of hibernating and occasionally dipping into their store of harvested nuts, this year the squirrel community spent most of Xmas slumped in front of the telly eating chocolate selection boxes, Ferrero Rochers and After Eights by the crate. The result is that they’ve gone a bit James Cordon – and I don’t mean annoying, but in America now.”
The Environment Agency has been working with concerned volunteers to distribute special emergency weight reduction food parcels to our furry friends consisting of a delicious yet healthy acorn-flavoured shake that they have twice a day instead of a meal, before tucking into regular Findus Crispy pancakes and Vienettas at tea time. It’s hoped that by losing weight they will destroy less trees, resulting in Wivenhoe Woods native elks, beavers and bears once again returning to their habitat.