Over the years, Wivenhoe has proved it’s able to move with the times and is far less backwards than places like Clacton, Kelvedon and Tilbury, which still languish back in the eighties (the 1880s in Tilbury’s case). Homosexuality was legalised in 1745, dogs were given the vote in 1978 and women were finally allowed to wear trousers as long as they wore nice makeup to keep them feminine in 2012. And now a real-life actual woman has been named as Wivenhoe’s chief of police – we’re like so progressive and that.
Although previous chief of police Detective Inspector Captain Sergeant Lieutenant David Starsky (formerly of the LAPD) has done nothing wrong, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue believes it’s time for a change.
Dame Dannii told feminist propaganda machine Women’s Weekly: “Women have consistently proved that they can do things just as well, if not better than men. In most positions of power across the country you can guarantee there’ll be a woman somewhere making tea and taking minutes and stuff behind the scenes. Hell, we’ve even got our first female PM in Theresa May, although she’s probably not the best example. Yeah, actually can you forget I mentioned her…”
With a distinguished career of 25 years as Wivenhoe’s chief of police, Detective Inspector Captain Sergeant Lieutenant David Starsky has had a flawless record and though he hasn’t actually managed to thwart a single crime, critics have been quick to suggest that a woman won’t be able to match his firm but totally unfair style of policing and ability to consume donuts.
In her first press conference as new chief, WPC Cressida Ditch told BBC Look East: “As a woman with soft and gentle hands, I think it’s important that I don’t lose touch with my femininity and so I will be making a few subtle changes to the way the boys do things. The siren on my car will be changed to the Benny Hill theme tune, I’m redecorating the cells with some lovely Cath Kidston soft furnishings and I’m politely requesting that criminals don’t run too fast as I’m not too quick in my heels and don’t want to get a ladder in my fishnets.”
With a mind for crime and impressive stats, criminals across Wivenhoe will surely be hoping that she takes down their particulars soon, eh fellas?