Residents of Essex’s 43rd most non-descript town (third year running) have been warned by authorities to approach the King George V park with extra care over the coming days as it’s understood that a swarm of fifties teenagers are on the loose.
Congregating in small packs, they can be identified from regular teenagers due to their elaborate grease-filled hairdos, happy go lucky persuasion and the fact that they’ve not got their face permanently glued to their mobile phones.
Although no one is entirely clear about the origin of the species, it is understood that they may have escaped from a passing circus, washed up on the recent high tide or carried over on the breeze from far off exotic lands by El Niño.
The Watcher approached one particularly threatening group to try to discern exactly what it is they want and was told: “Hey Daddio, get hip to beat. All we want to do is drink Coke, play our bongos and surf to the latest rock and roll sounds on our transistor radios. If you can’t get down with that then you’re s-q-u-a-r-e, square, ya dig?”
Having spoken to a range of sociology and linguistic professors at Essex University, it’s still not entirely clear what these random sounds mean, but the general impression is that they mean to harm our simple way of life in some way.
Speaking to the press this morning, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Danni Minogue revealed that she is working on a solution, noting: “With their out-dated politeness and old-fashioned good manners these kids are giving teenagers a bad name. They should be out doing graffiti, breaking windows and sniffing glue. What the hell is the world coming to? Consequently, I will be calling in the Wivenhoe riot squad to beat the living hell out of them. Rest assured the park will be back to normal by the weekend.”