Despite the unending pit of despair that comes with making the return trip to work after Xmas, it’s been revealed that just three days in, 2017 is already way better than last year. No beloved musicians, movie stars or TV celebrities have died, no maniacs have taken over any positions of power and the people haven’t been given the opportunity to vote on something that they are neither equipped nor intelligent enough to make a worthwhile decision about. In fact, scanning the newsfeeds coming into Watcher Towers, the big stories appear to be about a man who accidentally walked dog muck into his lounge and a hilarious mix up involving a lady from Wiltshire, a bag of pickled onion crisps and the line: “I said ping pong balls, not King Kong’s balls”.
So in no particular order, here are my predictions for the coming 12 months:
The Donald of Trump will prove to be the greatest leader of all time, leading to a period of great happiness and joy around the world as people lay down their weapons, link arms and come together to share a cock, er sorry I mean Coke.
The last 12 months in British politics will be revealed to be a bad dream and we’ll awake from our uncomfortable slumber to discover that Lord Noel of Edmonds in fact rules the country and all decisions are made using a series of boxes with different numbers on them.
Kids show Mr Benn will be reimagined as a gritty action movie starring Jason ‘The Stath’ Statham and Alan Rickman, who never actually died. It will go on to be more successful than The Fart And The Furious movie franchise.
Tony Blair will be unveiled as the new leader of the Laboured party and then tarred and feathered in Theresa May’s old unwanted vest and pants, before being paraded through the streets of Jaywick on a stick.
Ex-Prime Minister of Great Britainshire, Lord David Camerman will stick his member of parliament in another dead pig’s head – this time on Big Brother.
Man will finally walk on the moon.
Crisps will be given out freely via the NHS.