Following a daring investigation by undercover Trading Standards officers, the Watcher can exclusively reveal that Wivenhoe’s so-called ‘Fish Van’ is actually 40% beef, 20% metal engine stuff and only 14.2% actual fish.
The damning investigation also revealed trace elements of car rug, shammy leather, road atlas and those boiled sweets that come in a tin that you buy from service stations.
The Van’s owner, Captain Birdseye, told reporters from the Colchester Gazette: “Yar, there be no truth in what them landlubbers be sayin’. When I gets my fishy fingers on them they’ll be sorry, I can tells ya!”
This isn’t the first time that the quality of the Captain’s fishy goods have been called into question. Just last year he was forced to vigorously deny that he just found his oysters in shells on the beach, rather than hunting them in forests like every other fish farmer. Meanwhile, it is understood that food safety officers are carrying out a separate investigation to discover whether or not the Captain’s fish fingers actually come from fishes’ hands – as he cla(i)ms – or if it is in fact the freezer counter at Aldi.