For months now the Wivenhoe Trail flasher has been ruining the day of unsuspecting joggers, cyclists and dog walkers by jumping out of the bushes and displaying his wares for all to see. And up until very recently, the master of show and tell has remained as elusive as the infamous Essex Lion and the two-handed boy of Brightlingsea.
Descriptions have varied over the last six months as to the flasher’s appearance – giving the mysterious pervert almost mythical status. 30-year-old dogger Ken Strumpet described him as having: “Terrible teeth and terrible claws”, while speed walker Susan Dankworth alluded to his “buck teeth and terrible jaws”. But it was bird spotter Karen Foo-Foo Fah-Fah that came closest to uncovering the identity of the obscene exhibitionist when she told police: “His hair was long and his face was heinous and there was a poisonous wart on the end of his finger”.
Wivenhoe’s finest were swift to react to Foo-Foo Fah-Fah’s description and promptly arrested Jeremy Paxman, only to release him six days later after another victim came forward, describing the flasher as having: “Knobbly knees and a tongue that’s black with purple spines all over his back” – and it’s widely known that Paxman’s spines are orange.
But yesterday Wivenhoe parkour champion Clarissa Martleshum-Shuttlecock finally caught the flasher for posterity using her mobile phone as he came lurking out of the bushes with his meat and two veg swaying in the wind like potatoes in a pair of tights.
Martleshum-Shuttlecock told The Watcher: “I’d just managed to pull a triple somersault over a tricky looking puddle when this stinking pervert came bundling out of the woods. At first I thought it was my husband Steve, but he cut his toe nails last night so it can’t have been him. I quickly grabbed my phone and took a photo and then legged it out of there all fast, like.”
Wivenhoe Police Chief, David Starsky told The Watcher: “Though the flasher remains at large, it’s good to have a picture of him, so that we can put it on Twitter and make it trend or something. It’s awesome, my followers have pretty much doubled.”
The flasher remains at large…