Following a new drive towards eco sustainability, Wivenhoe Council has unveiled its latest innovative street lighting scheme that will not only save it vast amounts of money, but is also understood to be better for the environment.
Better still for those that dislike having to stumble around in the dark, the new initiative will see the lights left on overnight, rather than being turned off 10 minutes after it gets dark to save money.
Speaking from her new Eco HQ, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told BBC Look East: “For some time now, I’ve been desperate to get one of those green Blue Peter badges and this new scam, sorry scheme, could be just the ticket. I know Wivenhoe is full of the sort of saps that lap this shit up and it should shave enough off of the budget for me to spend even less time in this godawful hell hole”.
Wivenhoe’s world-famous prostitutes are understood to be delighted by the announcement with one noting: “It’s been so bleeding dark that no one even knows that we’re there. It’s been a long cold winter”.
The Council is understood to be keen to employ a lampmaster to take responsibility of the new lights and those interested will need to supply their own lighter and a “really long taper”.
In separate news, the Wivenhoe branch of the Environment Agency is warning residents to beware large pools of stinky pink gloop, warning that it "isn't bubble-gum".