Members of the scientific and meteorological community came together yesterday to explore a new phenomenon that has left the country in a state of chaos. On Thursday afternoon at approximately 15:45 a solid rain-like substance appeared to fall from the sky and then settle on the ground like some sort of natural polystyrene or something. Some thought it was the start of an alien invasion, while others suspected it to be the work of Muslim extremists or some such crap.
Expert weather girl Ulrika Ka-Ca told The Watcher: “In my 80 years of weathering I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like God has created these tiny, frozen cotton wall balls and then sprinkled them upon the earth just to mess with our minds.”
Meanwhile, old lady lookalike and doubting Thomas Richard Dawkins told Watchdog: “For anyone to suggest that this has anything to do with God is nonsense. This frozen rain, or Frain as I’m calling it, is clearly a natural event. I’ve just been out in my local park and tasted a patch of yellow frain and it was salty and bitter, but rather nice actually.”
While the frain looks set to remain, there are concerns as to how much it will affect the people of Wivenhoe. Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue (who is currently still holidaying in Barbados) sent the following missive via Morse code: “I understand that my loyal subjects are nervous about the ill effects of this frain. I assure you I will do everything in my power to sort it out when I return from my fact finding mission in late May.”
With the frain currently as deep as one and a half millimetres in places, there is genuine concern that everything will grind to a halt. Trains have stopped (not that they were really running properly before), cars are unable to move and the people are gripped by a sense of nervous sexual tension. Worst of all, Wivenhoe is now isolated from the rest of the world and the Co-op is down to its last speedboat. Worrying times indeed…