Essex police have this morning launched a county-wide search to find out who was responsible for leaving the freezer door open last night, leaving the whole of Wivenhoe beshitten with frosty chaos this morning.
Wivenhoe’s chief of police, Sergeant Chief Inspector Deputy Captain Viceroy Detective David Starsky, told concerned residents: “At approximately 20 hundred and 45 hours last night, during the break for Corrie, some self-serving twatbag went and helped themselves to a Solero and for whatever reason chose to leave the freezer door ajar. We believe it then swung open and left Wivenhoe and the surrounding area covered in some white powdery stuff that scientists are describing as ‘cold snow dust’. Not only has the entire South East been turned into some sort of turgid tundra, but the ribs we got in the summer are completely ruined and we’ll have to eat that shepherd’s pie I was saving for the weekend for tea tonight. I dread to think what our electricity bill is going to be like.”
Residents have been warned not to leave their homes and to remain in bed under their blankets until the all-clear siren has been sounded.