It’s never a dull day in the ever-changing world of mega-bastards and the last seven days have been more action-packed than the average episode of The Archers, but few could have predicted the dramatic chain of events that happened earlier today.
First off, Nigel Farage decided to quit as leader of the UK Hate Party for only the second time since the general erection of 2015, but this time he like proper means it and definitely won’t be coming back with the Torries in a couple of week’s time, honest.
Meanwhile, the only non-politician that the British nation hates as though he is an actual ‘member’ of Parliament – Chris Evans – has decided to step down as presenter of BBC brrm-brrm show Stop Gear as he’s not quite managed to be as offensive as the Grand Master of Bile himself, Lord Jeremy of Clarkson.
Enter lovely Nigel who as someone that has always done a proper job unlike those brain surgeons, Nobel prize winners and captains of industry in Europe, is perfectly equipped for driving cars that no one can either afford or cares about. With a name that rhymes with garage, he's just the man for spouting inanities like: “It goes from nought to sixty quicker than a politician backtracking from a claim written in massive letters on the side of a bus”.
Meanwhile, Chris has decided to take over the reigns at UKIP, which will now be rebranding itself now that its odious little mission has been completed. As Chris explained to a dog peeing up against a bus shelter and CBBC’s Andi Peters: “We’ve succeeded in getting everyone in England to despise anyone that’s not English, but we need to go further. It’s our mission to get everyone to hate everyone else and where better to start than with the gingers? Did you know that the UK wastes £350 million on redheads every day. If we get rid of these vermin maybe we could pretend that we could put the money into the NHS or something. Either that or the next series of TGI Payday or something”.