For some time now, Wivenhoe Allotment Society has been struggling to find a way to protect its precious crops, but with little success. Over the years, the allotments that once flourished with food have been ravaged by greedy, angry birds determined to deprive the people of Wivenhoe of fresh veg. Last year’s harvest consisted of a mere carrot, three peas, half an ear of sweetcorn and a handful of sprouts after beady-eyed wing flappers decimated the town’s precious vegetable resources.
In a desperate attempt to avoid another food shortage – forcing the people of Wivenhoe to once again turn to Pot Noodles as their only source of sustenance – Wivenhoe’s town council, lead by the walking talking phenomenon that is Dame Dannii Minogue, decided to take drastic action.
Dame Dannii takes up the story: “As a gorgeous example of one of them celebrities, I decided to speak to some of my showbiz pals to see what they recommend to keep their crops bird-free. Bill Oddie swears by smearing lion excrement around the perimeter of his green beans enclosure, while Simon Cowell keeps pests away with the crushed dreams of young hopefuls. But by far the best tip came from my good buddy Lionel Blair, who told me that his courgettes used to get ravaged by birds until he discovered the magic of Gagas. Just four or five Gagas is enough to protect most domestic plots.”
So successful has Wivenhoe’s Gaga Scheme proved, Dame Dannii is also considering using it to deter youths from spliffing up crack in the park, rowdy pensioners from heavy petty at dusk and unwanted ASBO folk from entering Wivenhoe.