It's a stitch up! Wivenhoe's fearsome needle-point society prepare for gang warfare
Wivenhoe has seen it fair share of clashes over the years – the rods versus the mockers in the fifties, the finger clicking sharks versus the nimble-toed jets in the sixties, Care Bears versus My Little Pony in the eighties and shirts versus skins in the nineties – but few have come close to matching the pure hatred of those recently witnessed within the embroidery community. I talk of course of the acrimonious stand-off between Wivenhoe’s needle-point society and it’s sworn enemy, Ardleigh’s embroidery guild.
No one knows what first started the beef – some say it was a build-up of bobbin tension back in the eighties, while others maintain that Ardleigh borrowed a pair of fine point scissors and returned them slightly blunted and refused to accept responsibility just last week – but the fact remains there’s some serious bad blood between these two rival crews.
In the latest outburst, the leader of Wivenhoe’s needle-point faction issued a terrifying ultimatum to her Ardleigh counterpart, stating: “Dem dumb bitches can’t jump stitch for shit, and their lock stitch sucks big time. If dem want to step to, then they better come packing and I ain’t talking ribbons and threads yo, I’ll shank dem bloodclot for good, you feel me, fam?” Nope, we didn’t understand a word of it either…
Although no response has been forthcoming from the Ardleigh guild, a crudely crocheted dead fish was left hanging on the Wivenhoe needle-point society’s clubhouse yesterday morning, suggesting that it could be all-out war.
Wivenhoe police are warning locals to stay away from the clubhouse to avoid getting caught in the cross (stitch) fire and are issuing officers with protective pin cushions for when it all kicks off.