Following an extremely bitter war of words on the Twitters between Wivenhoe’s supreme leader and mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, and North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, we’re now at the point of no return. Yep, that’s right it’s war (Hur, what is it good for?).
Dame Dannii’s new press officer Sean Old-Spicer this morning told a disheartened press corps: “Dame Dannii has had enough of little Rocketman’s jibes and when he called her ‘the Minogue that no one remembers’ we decided that enough was enough. Therefore, we are now officially at war with whichever Korea it is that he’s from – I can never remember... The Co-op has been told to implement rationing with immediate effect and we have deployed a regiment of Gladiators to protect our borders. Ask not what you can do for your country, but what a bunch of ex-athletes from a TV show armed with giant foam ear buds can do for you”.
World leaders across the globe have praised Dame Dannii’s bravery in the face of overwhelming odds and while the likes of Jet, Cobra and Shadow are unlikely to be much use against Kim Jong-un’s nuclear arsenal, it’s understood that Wolf might just make the difference.
Speaking from her Barbados-based winter retreat, Dame Dannii told CBeebies’ Story At Bedtime: “Some of you may argue that dragging Wivenhoe into a futile war of words that will ultimately result in the demise of North Essex’s third most smug town is not a good move, but someone has to stand up to this Japanese fool. Though I’m not actually there with you to face down the impending doom that appears to be coming your way, I stand with you in spirit at least. Je suis Wivenhoe!”