Poor old Michael Gove. Having done a sterling job of saving the British Education system by introducing radical new policies – such as making fishmongers into English teachers and removing the letter e from the syllabus – the UK’s sharpest mind has been demoted by pie minister David Cameraman.
Now Gove is in charge of the whip and gimp mask cupboard in the House of Parliament – a job that he is admittedly well equipped to carry out. Tragically, Mikey G was bullied on his first day in his new post last week, when some bigger boys from the Tory party bog-washed him and broke his glasses. Gove was last seen running crying from Westminster with his tail hanging limply between his legs and has not been seen since, until now…
Gove is not the first MP to be seen in Wivenhoe woods. In 1987 Michael Hesseltine was spotted swinging from tree to tree using vines, the ghost of Margaret Thatcher is regularly seen stealing phantom milk from children by the swings, while Neil Kinnock can often be seen by the dog poo bins repeatedly muttering to himself "We're alright! We're alright!"
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue commented: "If you spot a politician – whether they be Tory or one of the less offensive ones – don't try and hunt them down yourself. Let's get the professionals in as we don't these vermin breeding and causing an infestation."