Wivenhoe’s world-famous penal system was thrown into complete and utter disarray this morning when it was revealed that not only has every prisoner that was being held at her majesty’s pleasure at the County Jail escaped, but that they also stole the beds, doors, ceiling and walls.
Speaking to the local press this morning, Wivenhoe Jail’s Governor, Mr Och-Aye Mackay, explained: “We tucked the prisoners up safely in bed with their cocoas at 9:30 on Tuesday, like every night, only to wake up this morning and discover they’ve nicked just about everything bar the earth the prison was built on. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea letting them watch Prison Break before snuggle time, but you live and learn”.
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Danni Minogue – who described the incident as being “A bit shit”– told John Craven’s Newsround: “People are suggesting that just because there are between four and five hundred rapists, murderers and thieves wandering the streets Wivenhoe is no longer safe. All I can say is, have you ever been to Braintree?”
Wivenhoe Police are advising residents not to approach any escapees unless they are “proper tooled up” or “feeling a bit tasty”.