Following the tragic news that the ‘sports’ of darts and motor racing are to no longer employ the services of walk-on women and grid girls, a large part of the female community is finding itself suddenly redundant and women clad in lycra and unnecessarily short skirts are being rounded up and shipped off to dog food and glue factories as their role in life becomes about as relevant as racism and child labour.
For some reason, the spectacle of overweight men throwing small sticks with spikes at a circle stuck on a wall in a pub and over-paid young boys driving cars round and round in circles for hours on end is deemed to be no place for the ladies – neither as a competitor nor as a high-heeled sign carrier.
Fortunately, salvation is at hand as the small snowflake-filled community of the North Essex town of Wivenhoe has opened its doors to these poor redundant creatures and offered them the freedom to roam free range through its streets.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, told The One Show: “ It’s a tragedy to see these strong, intelligent women being left to wither on the vine like old fruit, helpless to do anything as their beauty and rictus grin is no longer enjoyed by leering men across the land. We’ve welcomed them into Wivenhoe and they’re carrying out the vital role of directing people to public toilets, dog poo bins and where you can buy fags so that they can grow old with some sense of dignity and purpose. I can only hope that other towns follow our example.”