There’s nothing quite like the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes from the nervous tension caused by the thrill ride that is the disappointment of getting your GCSE results. Whether it be a hard-fought C- for Lego studies, an A+ for playing Fortnite nonstop for eight weeks or a must try harder for happy slapping, the youth problem of Great Britainshire is nervously awaiting a deluge of disappointment today. And Wivenhoe is no different. But instead of thinking about the bike-riding, wheelie-pulling maniacs of North East Essex’s most self-important hamlet, spare a thought for the humble dog poo bins.
It’s understood that 10 of Wivenhoe’s shit caskets has sat exams in a desperate bid to improve themselves. The bin behind the bus stop exclusively told The Watcher: “This year I’ve sat nine GCSEs including Home Economics. I’ve been told that if I can get four Cs or above I’ll be promoted to a litter bin down by Co-op but if I only get one they’ll make me the manager. It’s something to aspire to I spose…”