The leader of the Wivenhoe faction of the NRA (Nobheads Rifle Association) has taken time out of his busy schedule massaging the devil’s scrotum to give some sage advice to the people of Wivenhoe that are growing increasingly disillusioned with the poor train service offered by Greater Anglia.
Speaking to the local press as he unveiled plans to open a shooting range that backs onto the back of Milthfileds school, the pistol-packing pontificator noted: “You guys are really missing a trick by not having guns. You complain about your poor train service, but if you had guns you could shoot yourselves all the way to London and in first class, too – who’s going to ask to see a ticket from someone packing an M16? And while we’re at it, guns could help improve your piss poor weather. If you were all packing Uzis you’d be able to shoot the rain out of the sky before it fell on your stupid limey heads. There is literally no problem that guns cannot solve.”
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue is understood to be giving the proposal serious consideration, pointing out: “Captain Nobhead may have a nervous twitch and an itchy trigger finger, but it’s hard to fault his logic here. I’m also considering giving everyone under the age of 18 a wrap of cocaine each to solve our drug problem and arming our librarians – although their guns will have silencers fitted – we’re not barbarians!”