Despite compelling evidence to the contrary, Wivenhoe council is refusing to shell out money to bust the ghosts that everyone knows exist in the freaky old building next to Wivenhoe Garage.
The abandoned house, which has sat empty now for over 1,113 years is believed by locals to be haunted by the trapped souls of Co-op cashiers and if you walk past it late at night and listen carefully, you can clearly hear ghostly voices wailing: “Would you like a bag with that? Wooooo!” or “Have you got your dividends cardddddd?”
A spokesperson for Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, told The Sunday Sport: “We’re sick and tired of these persistent rumours that are based on nothing but hearsay. Just because the building is sat upon the site of an abandoned mine shaft that used to be a pet cemetery owned by an angry poltergeist hell bent on revenge against the people of Wivenhoe doesn’t mean there’s any grounds for suspecting that it’s in any way haunted. If anyone’s responsible for the wailing and other-worldly noises that come from that place, it’ll be those weirdly dressed kids led by the camp guy with the neckerchief. Freaky, geeky beatniks the lot of them…”