There has been much consternation among the twattering classes in the small North-East Essex town of Wivenhoe, following the release of the latest addition of the nebula-renowned Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. The guide, which is painstakingly compiled by Zaphod Zimmerman and provides information about every known location for inter-dimensional travellers across the universe, praised surrounding Jaywick for its vibrant party atmosphere, Fingringhoe for its humorous name and nearby Colchester as a great place to get “pissed until puke comes out of your eyes”. However, the entry for Wivenhoe was less than glowing suggesting that it was a place that “dullards moved to in an effort to appear more interesting than they actually are” and that “nothing decent has happened there since the Co-op decided to start selling speed boats”.
In her latest press briefing from her West Indies holiday home, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue exclaimed: “Although I don’t live in Wivenhoe and haven’t visited the place in the last two years, I am paid a shitload of money to represent the simpletons what reside there and this sort of thing is simply not cricket – not that I like or understand cricket ether…”
The next update to the Hitchhiker’s Guide is expected in 2084.