Three weeks ago, the long and fruitful life of Wivenhoe resident Deirdre Barbeque came to a tragic end when she inexplicably died after eating an entire horse for her lunch.
Speaking to a number of well-wishers that included Philip Schofield, Steve Wright in the afternoon, Dot Cotton, Jezzer Clarkson and the man from the Cillit Bang adverts, close friend Shirley Protractor tearfully lamented: “We all loved Deirdre and I think we’ll all remember her in our own different way, but one thing we can all agree on is that she loved to eat. Whether it was spiders that wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her, dogs to catch the cat to catch that bird that she ate back in 82 or that one time she stuffed a Hot One Pot Noodle down her gullet, she loved her food. Although I have to admit for the life of my I’ve got no idea why she swallowed that fly, what an idiot.”
Wanted by the RSPCA for unnecessarily complicated animal combination gluttony, Deirdre Barbeque will be missed by no one and leaves behind an empty aviary, a cat litter tray, dog lead, the remains of a cow and half a horse. I guess we’ll never know why she swallowed that fly.