While the residents of Wivenhoe were tucked up safe and sound in their beds on Saturday night with visions of sugared plums and candied balls dancing in their heads, the wheels of business were in motion to ensure that the town’s coffers remain amongst the best stocked in the country.
As we all awoke to realise that like a poorly written episode of Doctor Who time had shifted and that somehow or other the clocks had jumped forward and we’d all lost an hour, it emerged that Wivenhoe’s mayor had pulled off a business transition slicker than an eel dressed nose to tail in latex.
BBC’s head of Difficult-to-understand News Robert Peston explains: “It has emerged that Wivenhoe head of state and supreme leader, her holiness Dame Dannii of Minogue, has sold off Wivenhoe’s unwanted hour for the princely sum of £250,000. Reports that the money has been reinvested into Dame Minogue’s Clacton-based castle remain as yet unsubstantiated, but she looks like totes happy or sumfing”.
Speaking from a diamond encrusted chair, Dame Dannii explained to the cast and crew of In the Night Garden: “The people of Rowhedge are simple cave dwellers who struggle to explain the existence of the sun and live in constant fear of their silly little town falling off the edge of the earth. Convincing them to take part in this transaction was a breeze and a settlement that’s bound to suit both them and the people of Wivenhoe.”
Although it’s unclear exactly what the people of Rowhedge intend to do with their new 25-hour day or how they managed to get their grubby little webbed hands on such a significant sum of money, Wivenhoe’s residents appear to be satisfied with the outcome of the new deal.
Karen Woman told The Watcher: “I’ve loved having an hour less today. I chose to ditch the hour when I’m supposed to be watching my kids and just stayed in the pub. I reckon Dame Dannii should sell off more hours. How many do we really need to get stuff done?”
Rumours that Dame Minogue is considering selling off the second Thursday of every month to Harwich remain unconfirmed, but it is widely believed that the moon now belongs exclusively to Colchester.