Wivenhoe chief of police, Chief Constable Special Officer Detective David Starsky OBE issued a harrowing warning today for the people of Wivenhoe, following the terrifying discovery that Howling Mad Vlad has escaped from the maximum-security nuthouse that is Wivenhoe Asylum.
In an exclusive interview with The Beano, Senior Officer Commander Starsky warned: “Mad Vlad, the Russian fruit loop, is on the loose and he’s about as mental as a box of frogs with little pigs riding on their backs wearing tiny tutus and arsehats. If any civilians are unfortunate enough to encounter nutjob buttjob (as we like to call him) they are advised to run like hell. He’s dangerous, proper mentals and well Russian.”
Putin – who after being overthrown from his reign of terror in Rusher – fled to the East coast of the Democratic Republic of Englandshire, where he has been surviving as a renegade strong man with a travelling circus, wrestling bears and bending lion bars with his hands. He is believed to be extremely violent and is recognised as a green belt in the Korean martial art of Karma Sutra – so ladies beware.
Viscount Deputy Commander Viceroy Starsky warned members of the public: “It’s difficult to predict the movements of a man quite as mind-bent as Poot Poot, but we do know that he’s wearing a hospital gown and has a tendency to hide behind a magazine with a picture of his own face on it in an effort to confuse my officers. So far it’s worked pretty well, but we’ll get him. I always get my man. And if I can’t I try and get a man who looks a lot like him and hope that no one notices. One way or another this whole mess should be cleared up by February 2025.”