You can tell a lot about a town by the sort of Big Issue sellers it attracts, and the sprawling garden metropolis of Wivenhoe is no different. You won’t find any of those toothless, happy go lucky junkies here. No sir, we only seem to attract dusky windswept maidens who have mislaid their Waitrose customer loyalty card and so are having to slum it for a bit until a new one can be sent out in the post.
But this morning the people of the North-East Essex town awoke to the exciting news that a new Big Issue seller has setup outside of Co-op, and this one intends to take no prisoners. Seventy-six-year-old John has a young family to support and admits that he struggles to get up in the morning without a Special Brew or three. He told The Watcher: “In my last place of employment I worked with some of the biggest bullshitters and bastards the world has ever seen, so dealing with you lot shouldn’t be too much of a challenge. I certainly won’t take no for an answer if someone won’t buy a copy of the mag and I will push them until they break. I intend to make you people cry and won’t back down until I’ve got my own way.”
Rumours that the Big Issue seller has been employed by One Stop to drive customers away from Co-op have been vigorously denied… by no one.