There’s nothing the people of Wivenhoe enjoy more than celebrating a pagan festival – from the cover the pig in Vaseline and chase it naked through the streets race usually celebrated in January to the Mini Babybel cheese rolling event that’s the highlight of every Wivenhoian’s social calendar, we know how to have fun.
But now that the clocks have gone back an hour cos farmers don’t appear to have learnt how to use a torch yet or turn the fucking lights on, it can mean only one thing: yep, it’s Hello Ian time!
Dating back to olden days when everything was in black and white and people used to carry around baked bean cans connected by a piece of string instead of having mobile phones, Hello Ian is an ancient ritual where people called Ian would go knocking on their neighbours’ doors begging for sweets, dog biscuits or peanuts in exchange for sexual favours – hence the saying “Trick for a treat?”.
The tradition was started by footballist Ian Botham, widely believed to be the world’s first Ian. And every year houses wishing to participate place orange footballs with Botham’s face painted on them on their doorsteps to show that their willing to ‘turn tricks’.
So keep your eyes open tonight as the world’s Ians offer their wares and make sure you’ve stocked up on plenty of sweets, lube and prophylactics. Happy Hello Ian, y’all.