For some time now the nation’s savior, his holiness Papa Nigel of Farage, has warned about Johnny Foreigner coming over here and doing our jobs for less money than us, better than we ever could while contributing hard-earned taxes so that we can sit around at home claiming benefits while watching Trisha in our vest and pants – and yet we mock the man of the people for just speaking the honest truth.
Happily the powers that be in Wivenhoe have taken sweet Nigel’s advice to heart and are finally putting a stop to this ridiculous charade.
Recently back from her three month fact finding mission in the West Indies, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told BBC Stop, Look and Listen: “For too long now the nation has been gripped by the fear of these imaginary immigrants and asylum seekers coming over here and ruining things for good old honest lazy Johnny Englander. Well not on my watch matey. As from last Tuesday, I have set aside a non-existent budget of £12 million to build an invisible barrier in the river Colne to keep this imagined threat from our doors. It’s time we all stood together and said ‘I’m English and I’m not standing for this unfair dinkum, mate’.”
The radical move was met with a mixed response, with many praising Minogue’s robust stance, while naturalists voiced serious concerns.
Twatcher Bill Oddity told The Watcher: “What people forget is that all of this imaginary building work will cause untold damage to all the mystical wildlife that I imagine lives on the river banks. The Ewok population will have nowhere to sleep at night, while unicorns will have nowhere to lay their golden eggs. Buddha only knows what will become of Godzilla and Godzooky.”
Meanwhile, village bigot and Essex arsetard Ray Cist told The Watcher: “I think it’s a good thing. I hate all this foreign muck ruining good old English traditions. What’s going to happen to popping out for a curry or nipping down the Chinese if we let all these Your-oh-pee-unz come flooding in? It’s a disgrace. I think ex-banker millionaire Nigel Mirage is a man of the people what speaks the truth and you Guardian-reading lesbian vegetarians can’t handle it.”
Now nearly a week into the work, the invisible builders have created zero mess and have drunk no cups of tea. No women have been abused by their inaudible wolf whistles and catcalls and there have been no complaints from across the water about the noise. However Mayor Minogue is concerned about the lack of progress and is considering hiring a firm of non-existent Polish and Romanian builders to come and finish the job off properly for less money.