While the rest of the nation was enjoying the glorious weather having family picnics and fist fighting in the streets this Bank Holiday, spare a thought for the poor residents of Wivenhoe who had to contend with an unseasonal outbreak of piles.
Perfectly perfumed posteriors throughout the town suffered the indignity of feeling all itchy, bringing proceedings to a decidedly uncomfortable standstill. From Bum Stop in Upper Wivenhoe to the Post Orifice at the (ahem) bottom of the town, nowhere was spared from the awkward need to scratch the region that dares not speak its name.
While it’s not entirely clear where the source of the outbreak lies, many are suggesting that it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that someone from Fingrinho(l)e might hold the answer. We asked the town’s Mayor for a comment and were told: “Wivenhoe is packed full of arseholes, so it was only a matter of time…”