Poor old Katy Perry, as if it isn’t bad enough being married and then dumped by scruffy freedom fighter and Swampy-wannabe Rusty Brand, the pint-sized girl kisser was attacked by a pack of sharks yesterday on the banks of the Colne.
The brutal feeding frenzy occurred just after midday as Perry, who has just started a hair dressing apprenticeship down by the bins, decided to take a walk to the river during her lunch break.
As she stood idly tossing Skips to the passing flamingos, a pair of cold-eyed killers swiftly descended upon her, pulling her into the warm, sparkling waters of the Colne.
Fresh from her successful performance at the Superbowel in the United States of Hamerica, Perry was hoping to celebrate with friends over a pint of Bishop’s Foreskin at the The Black Buoy, but unfortunately never made it and is now being stitched back together in Colchester hospital.
It remains a genuine concern that she might be well enough to return to her singing career, but doctors are doing all that they can to ensure that this horror is avoided.