Wivenhoe Town Council this afternoon held a joint press conference with police detective inspector deputy chief constable captain David Starsky to warn of the latest spate of vandalism that is a blight on our humble little hamlet. Following the mysterious fire down by the railway and the theft of two pedals from Wivenhoe’s new outdoor gym, it would appear that vandals are carrying out a wanton wave of mutilation on our trees, tearing the leaves from the branches and scattering them like litter louts across the town.
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue was quick to pour scorn on the unseemly scoundrels stating: “At this time of year it’s so lovely to see the leaves changing colour, why anyone would think that it’s a good idea to then tear them off of the trees and scatter them throughout the woods is beyond even my massive brain. Man’s inhumanity to man seemingly knows no bounds”.
Police detective inspector deputy chief constable captain David Starsky added: “I’m guessing this is the work of drug dealers or people smacked out of their bonces on the boz-boz. The leaves are everywhere, who knows what kind of damage they’ll do to any children unfortunate enough to fall down on them. Christ, imagine if you got one in your eye!”.
Environmentalists have expressed concern that the leaves are not biodegradable and may leave a permanent scar on the town’s landscape and Greenpeace has been contacted to bring one of its big ships down the river to shoot harpoons at whales in the hope that it will help solve the crisis.
Volunteers are being invited to gather in the woods on Saturday afternoon armed with Pritt Sticks and Sellotape in the hope of being able to help poor old Mama Nature fight back.