David Bellamy has become the latest celebrity nature botherer to add his voice to the concern over the way that Wivenhoe woods has taken a dramatic turn for the worse in the last couple of weeks. David Attenborough, Michaela Strachan, the ghost of Johnny Morris and Chris Packham are just some of the famous nature fiddlers that are trying to bring the world’s attention to the way the woods appears to have fallen into rapid decline.
As Packham explains: “I guess the first time that I realised that something was awry was when I was out here a couple of weeks ago looking for a decent dogging spot with my mistress. The leaves, which are normally green had started going a really stwange yellow color and some of them had even turned red. Regrettably I thought nothing of it and packed my plastic sheeting and sheaths up in my duffle bag and headed back to the car. Imagine my horror when I returned yesterday to discover that so many of the leaves have fallen from the trees and that the weather has taken a turn for the worse. I think it’s no coincidence and I think they may have been poisoned or something.”
Equally concerned, Sir David Attenborough pointed out: “This is that global warning we’ve been warning all you dumbiots about for so long. You can’t keep using your spray deodorants, soda streams and Sinclair C5s without a care in the world and expect there to be no payback. Mother Earth has spoken and she quite clearly doesn’t like the way that you Wivenhoe folk are getting busy, yo. Consequently all of the leaves have changed colour, some have dropped off and the weather has an eerie coldness to it. Dark times lie ahead, I can feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes…”
Picking up on the theme, Michaela Strachan added: “It’s not just the climate change that you Essex twerbs need to worry about, yeah, it’s also the rising water levels, you get me? When I got here this morning, the river was quite low, but in just a few hours I’ve seen it rise loads, like a tide or something. It’s no wonder the polar bear population here is close to zero. You people are barbarians and it looks like Mother Nature is giving you the bootie spanking you so plainly deserve.”
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue was unavailable for comment as – like she does every year from September to May – she is staying in her Bahamas-based council office on a ‘fact-finding mission’. She has, however, left the following message on Wivenhoe’s emergency action line: “G’day citizen of Wivvers. I can’t deal with your inconsequential beef right now, but leave a message and maybe I’ll get back to you in the New Year or maybe it’ll sort itself out. Either way, stay bonzer, y’hear?”