Having recently moved to the estate behind Wivenhoe Auto Centre, the Bobbit family had hopes and dreams much like any other, but their excitement was brought to an abrupt halt by the disdain that they faced from local residents. Wivenhoe has always been a welcoming place to all colours and creeds – even the Welsh, dammit – but last week marked a sorry day in the town’s history.
After plunging all of their life savings into building their dream home just off of Richard Avenue, the Bobbits were preparing for a new and exciting life, but little did they realise the nightmare that lay before them.
John-Wayne Bobbit takes up the story: “It all started the day we moved in. Passersby looked at us as if we had come from a different planet and every time we tried to say hello to someone they’d look the other way and cross to the opposite side of the road.”
But that was just the start of the problems. Before long the family was being spat at by children, stones were being thrown through their windows and on a particularly sad day, a copy of the Daily Mail was posted through their letterbox.
“You can only take so much, but I wouldn’t clean up my dog’s filth with something as vile as that, so it was a shock to see it lying there on the mat,” explains Loretta Bobbit.
In an effort to find out why the Bobbits were being treated so poorly, the Watcher decided to pay a visit to Wivenhoe’s National Frump headquarters.
There I met Alan Fockwhit, who told me: “For too long Wivenhoe has been losing its true identity and purity. First they let people with blonde hair in, then it was that lot that own bicycles, it’s a facking disgrace. Now we’ve got plastic people with strange hooky hands. I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t fink they’re even made in this country. They’re Scandinavian or sumfink and everyone knows I hate Asians…”
In an effort to return harmony to the area, Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, plans to hold a special Unity Day this August Bank Holiday in the William Loveless Hall.
She told The Watcher: “As someone that comes from a different part of the UK – Australia – I know what it can feel like to be an outsider. But I like to think that through a combination of outright sluttery and bribery I have won the hearts of my fellow villagers. We should all learn to live together, whether we be Playmobile, Lego, Star Wars figures or even the Welsh.”
“Hopefully, one day people will learn that deep down we’re all the same,” points out John-Wayne Bobbit, “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, gay or straight, we’ve all got swivel arms, yellow C-shaped hands and solid plastic hairpieces. The sooner we all learn to embrace our similarities, the better.”