As anyone that has ever taken the time to read one will tell you, books are thoroughly dull and never quite as good as the film that they’ve ripped off. Which is why Wivenhoe City Council under the stewardship of Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue has taken drastic measures to make Wivenhoe’s library once again relevant.
With temperatures soaring to a balmy 7.2°C this morning, it looks like it’s going to be another scorcher this year and what better way to cool down than gliding your perfectly formed derriere down Wivenhoe’s new water slide?
Colchester’s Minister for Fun, MP Will Quince told The Watcher: “Books are rubbish, a waste of valuable time and energy and are really bad for the environment cos of all the pollution they pump out into the air. As far as I’m concerned if it’s not a Grisham or a McNabb, forget about it. What the people of Wivenhoe really need is a big wet slippery slide – it’s so much more entertaining. I’m a keen advocate of water sports and this looks to tick all the boxes for me!”
Water is pumped from the library toilets up to the slide to ensure that it stays slippery, thanks to a new 3,000-Kilowatt generator, which is itself powered by burning books. So it’s a win-win situation – the books are finally being put to good use, while at long last the library becomes somewhere that’s useful and not just a place that smells of wee and is full of people wearing glasses. Other libraries across the country are following the scheme with interest as they too realise their total irrelevance in today’s society now that we’ve got tellies and iPads and that...