Lovely, lovely Kate and hunky Wills stepped out yesterday along the Wivenhoe trail to inspect the local dog poo bins in an effort to show that they’re just like the rest of us plebby scumbags, and lucky onlookers were delighted to note just how radiant our fair princess appeared.
Kenneth Stencil, aged 25, told BBC Look East: “I’m delighted to note just how radiant our fair princess appears, she’s like glowing or something!”
Meanwhile Caroline Hipster, aged 17, added: “She’s so beautiful and wherever she goes she leaves a gorgeous fragrance like freshly cut grass or Cillit Bang. It’s astonishing to think that beneath that bump is a real-life human baby.”
However, the BBC’s professional royal stalker and part-time peanut-alike Nicholas Witchell was quick to point out: “The child that lies within that waif-like womb will be way betterer than any normal human being could ever hope. For it is a chosen one and we as mere mortals should count ourselves lucky to even breathe the same air as what it does. Christ, look at her, she’s so damn gorgeous. If I could only stroke her hair…”
Surrounded by a cortège of eight security guards, four footmen, two doulas and a fluffer, Wills and lovely, lovely Kate asked that the media respected their privacy before underlining their desire to be treated just like normal people as they were whisked off in their mink-lined charabang to eat swan vol au vents with the Duke and Duchess of Tilbury in their golden castle.