Lumberjacks yesterday took to Wivenhoe woods in protest to express their utter disgust at their poor treatment after coppicing work was treated with vile disdain and completely ignored by the trees.
Regular readers of The Watcher will remember how back in May, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue employed the services of Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball Clearance Company and despite some misgivings, the coppicing was done well with not a single tree left standing. Now, less than six months later the trees have started growing back in a cruel act of defiance.
Saddened tree hacker Jack Lumber told The Watcher: “I spent 15 years training to chop trees down and have worked in this business for a further 20 and have never seen anything like it. The point of coppicing is so that an area can be cleared and used for something more useful like a car park or one of those nice Tesco’s. The last thing I expected was to return and see the trees effectively sticking two fingers – or should I say leaves – up at me. It’s uncivilized, vile and most important of all, not natural.”
The lumberjack’s cause has been taken up by local UKIP representative Alan Phuck-Whit who told anyone stupid enough to listen to him: “It’s bad enough that we’ve got foreign trees in this wood, depriving the old-fashioned English ones of much needed soil and jobs, but the fact that they’ve returned after these men chopped them down is typical of the wishy washy liberalism I’d expect to see in Wivenhoe. I assume this is something to do with those green parties that I’ve heard about. Either that or the foreign homosexuals that are stalking our women and pocketing our benefits.”
Thankfully, Dame Dannii was able to provide some sanity to the rally, pointing out: “Everyone seems to be blaming Miley and her Wrecking Ball Clearance Company or the foreigns, but I personally made sure that she did a proper job of wiping out those trees. And I saw with my own eyes that not a single one was left standing. It’s like those purple bell-end flowers that magically appear every Easter even though I spend millions of pounds employing people to pick them every year. It’s a miracle, pure and simple.”
Unfortunately, the Lorax was unavailable for comment, as he’s believed to be having it large in Ibiza.