Wivenhoe is once again on the look out for a new lumberjack following yet another arse-load of cock ups from the latest woefully sub-standard incumbent.
A simple soul with soft hands and complex body hair, Walter Reen from Braintree was considered to be the perfect fit for the job of Wivenhoe’s topiary officer-in-chief, thanks in part to his rather long, unkempt fingernails.
However, a weak disposition, shaky hands, a nervous twitch and a fear of loud noises added up to a quite explosive cocktail of non-talent that has resulted in Wivenhoe’s centuries-old woods becoming one of the UK’s most expansive collections of kindling.
Walter Reen is just the latest setback in a catalogue of lumberjack-related disasters for Wivenhoe. Back in 2014, ecologists were said to be “proper fucked off” after Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball Clearance Company decimated the woods in the sort of misunderstanding of what coppicing means that you’d expect from an American child, while the following year, the trees themselves showed complete and utter contempt for the laws of coppicing by daring to grow back.
Wivenhoe’s spokesperson for the trees, the Lorax, told The Watcher: “In this world, only the culling of three sorts of tree is acceptable: dysentery, pedantry and Coventry. Anything else is just unnecessary. When will you people learn? If we wipe out the trees, there’ll be nowhere left for the dolphins to live, and then where will we be?”