If you’re mental enough to poke your head out from the safety of your home, you might have noticed that it’s a like well-wicked world out there. What with gangs of hoody happy slappers marching down the street throwing cats in bins and nonchalantly tossing fake news around like it’s some sort of rohypnol confetti, nowhere is safe anymore. But where did the moral decline sprout from and who’s to blame?
Though clearly, everything that’s wrong with Blair’s Broken Britain ultimately comes back to Brexit, Gordon Brown’s weird wheezy breathing and Thatcher, Thatcher milky snatcher, could the whole shitcake actually be the work of some mysterious evil cabal?
Well, no, but it’s good to blame someone, so let’s run with it for a bit shall we…
Rumour has it that the secret blue door on Wivenhoe’s main drag may actually be home to masons and that they are single handedly responsible for all of society’s ills, dragging us to hell in a handcart with a wonky wheel and an annoying squeak – from the potential closure of Wivenhoe’s library to the fact that Snickers aren’t as big as they used to be. Though so far, such allegations are merely hearsay, Wivenhoe residents are being warned to stay on the lookout for a bunch of out of touch power-hungry bastards looking to proper mess things up, innit. You have been warned, yeah?