Residents of Wivenhoe found their worthless existence thrown into turmoil this afternoon as a blood-crazed pensioner went on a driving spree of doom through the streets of the town like some wizened old whacky racer.
The unnamed oldie was spotted driving at speeds approaching 22mph along Manor Road at approximately 4 o’clock this afternoon with a gang of kids believed to be jacked up on a heady brew of Benilyn, Calpol and Tixylix hanging from her mobility vehicle like Carnies from a carousel.
Residents described the purple-rinsed passion wagon as blasting out “Out-dated music that’s trying to be down with the kids, but failing desperately” and said that the whole exercise “Smacked of shameless self-promotion and look-at-me-ism”.
The car drove up and down Manor Road three times, before screeching to a halt outside the back of Co-op and pulling slow-motion donuts and then spluttering off in the direction of The Rose and Crown pub.
Wivenhoe’s rent-a-quote Audrey Gobby-Cowe told The Watcher: “I’ve seen her out and about in Wiv quite a lot over the years, she’s always up to some sort of trouble. If she’s not flashing her la isla bonitas at anyone that’ll look, she’s getting tugged down the road by her cape, winding up the Catholick church or banging on about feeling like a virgin. Is it really that big a deal to be a virgin at the age of 86? I lost mine at 32.”