With it’s new Sunday night slot, BBC1’s latest smash hit comedy ‘Man Utd’ has been making audiences laugh the world over. This week’s episode was a particularly entertaining one that saw the team made up of millionaire sex offenders, morons and prima donnas comprehensively thrashed seven three, after taking a three-goal lead in the first quarter. What makes the riotous comedy all the funnier was the fact that the team that beat them was made up entirely of seven year olds.
United team captain and modern-day philosopher Wayne Rooney told The Watcher: “One is dumbstruck at how such a surprising outcome came from a game that we appeared to have in our control. I think it was Albert Camus who so eloquently observed that it’s a game of two halves, and I think today’s match-up was a beautiful example of this dichotomy. I’m utterly dismayed and will have to spend some time in serious contemplation before considering my next move. We woz robbed.”
The team from Manchester features some of the world’s most expensive exponents of the art of kickball including Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, Kenneth ‘sex perm’ Keagan and those guys that did that unspeakable sex act to that model from the Sunday Sport. While in direct contrast Wivenhoe Town FC is made up of a boy with plasticine up his nose, a goalkeeper that won’t go anywhere without his blanky and a powerhouse midfielder that “sees dead people”.
Wivenhoe’s director of football, Johnny Pencils, told The Watcher: “That was a proper good result and the boys done good, innit. But it’s important the lads keep their feet on the ground, we’ve got a big game coming up against Clacton next week and we’re taking it one cliché at a time.”
The best thing about the game was that vast amounts of money that could go to worthy causes has instead been syphoned into the pockets of preening ponces that will waste it on fast cars, faster women and tasteless tat. Go football, go!